Our Guest: Becky Van Valin

Becky Van Valin is one who helps. She’s an experienced therapist who has worked with individuals and families for over 25 years. In addition to counseling, Becky is a frequent conference speaker, guest on the Heart to Heart radio program, writes and speaks on topics like marriage, parenting, women’s issues and family issues. She has also participated in crisis response teams after disasters. Next to her relationship with the Lord, Becky’s husband, three adult children and now grandchildren, however, take priority in her life.

Key Thoughts and Scriptures:

Proverbs 4:23 NIV Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Lēḇ refers to our feelings, our will, our intellect, really our whole being.
Because those parts of us affect our present and our future, it’s critical that we guard them.
When attacks from the devil come, we’re shielded by God’s word, His love, and His power.
Sometimes we get wounded and need help in the healing process.
Every one of us has to make that personal and conscious commitment to follow Christ.
Becky’s dad told her, “The three most important decisions you will make in life are about what are you going to do with your relationship with God, who will you marry, and determining what is your calling.”
Every other decision would flow around those three decisions.

Mistakes are the best teachers and what you can learn from those things.

- Perfectionism from a psychological perspective is having unrealistically high expectations of yourself and then criticizing yourself for not meeting them.
- Our common thoughts are of comparing ourselves, not focusing on what we have done, but focusing on what we have not done.

“I felt like God said, don’t call Paul. He can’t help you right now. You are utterly dependent on me.”

God is magnificent in that He deals with a number of things at the same time.

Philippians 4 NIV …Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.…

It’s so important that people, especially young people, realize they don’t have to stick with an early career path.

Keys Becky has learned for a good marriage:

“I felt God saying, ‘Tell them the truth. You don’t have a perfect marriage. It doesn’t go as smooth as silk. We have to work just as hard as anyone else does to communicate well and to manage conflicts well.’”
Becky and her husband have learned that God allowed their differences to enhance and to compliment each other.
It’s important for people to find mentors.
“When we’re preparing for a workshop, we ask ourselves and we ask each other, are we doing what we are teaching?”
Honesty is really important.
70% of the things that we talk about with our spouse, we have a different perspective on.
So you have to become excellent at conflict management to have a good marriage.
Resolving conflict in your marriage breeds security and commitment.
Conflict can spiral out of control when people are easily offended.
It’s natural for us to want to guard ourselves against pain when we’re bearing our soul to somebody. But if both people in the conflict are honestly seeking for the better of the other person, then we just can’t be easily offended.
A key thing is to validate your spouse’s perspective.
There’s a whole process of learning to communicate and listen well.

God’s Ways

Isaiah 55:8-9 NIV “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

When we follow God’s ways, it brings glory to God, but it takes a lot of stress off of us, if we can really lean into His way.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 NIV There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens

When we lay down our lives for something the Lord tells us to lay it down for, God always has better for us.
And He uses all those things He’s planted in us, gifts and training and pulls them together at different points in our lives.
When we are obedient to the Lord’s choice, He knows us better than we know ourselves.

Healthy and biblical ways that we can all guard our hearts:

What we think and feel directs the course of our actions.
We guard our hearts by really examining our thoughts and what are they, and how do I renew those thoughts, how do I shift and change those thoughts so that they are moving toward wholeness?

Romans 12:2 NIV Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Stay focused on the priorities of God.
Boundaries are a huge issue. Ask yourself, What am I exposing myself to? What am I being involved in?
We have to speak the truth to ourselves.

Some Keys to keeping your relationship with the Lord vibrant:

Have a desire to grow.
Authenticity as you help others. If you’re not doing it, you can’t counsel others to do it.
Godly music can minister to you.
There’s some wonderful apps that are out, the Abide app and different apps that can help you soak in scripture.

2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Biblical Women of Great Courage and Great Faith that have Inspired Becky:

Esther NIV

Ruth NIV

Mary, Christ’s Mother Luke 1:26-56 NIV, Luke 2:18-20 NIV, Matthew 1:18-2:23 NLT, Matthew 13:55 NLT

They were not without fear, in what they were called to do, but they had great courage. And courage is defined as the strength of mind to carry on in spite of difficulty or danger. And that was because of their faith in God.
Esther saved a whole nation by her courage while just a young woman.
Ruth trusted God and He provided for her and her mother-in-law.
And Mary, just a young gir,l who pondered and held things in her heart and was trying to kind of put all this together.

Thoughts to Focus on:

John 3:16 NIV God loves you.

John 1:12 NIV If you’ve put your faith in Christ, you are a child of the King of Kings.

1 Corinthians 15:57 NIV You’re victorious. God is your victor and you are His child.

Isaiah 41:10 NIV God is with you.

Jeremiah 29:11 NIV God has good plans for you.

Dig into God’s word and find many more wonderful things to think about.

Books recommended by Becky:

Books by John and Julie Gottman

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Peace Comes From Trusting God: Becky Van Valin’s Story (Episode 74)